Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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