When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
