My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink