there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs