She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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