I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
