I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
