If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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