So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
