Jerry, you need to find god
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.