I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar