On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
