Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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