There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
