two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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