R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
