you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
