Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
