At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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