Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
