Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
