Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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