He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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