i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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