I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Two words: blizzard sex
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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