I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
