Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
