god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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