I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
