You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
