i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
