I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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