Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
there is glitter all over my balls
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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