i just had sex bonerless
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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