Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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