I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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