Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
