we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
