Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
