Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize