My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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