Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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