I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Found your dick twin last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
