I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
