Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
