Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
