the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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