On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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