Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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