so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
