I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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