why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
