i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
