I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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