remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
