Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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