Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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