Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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