Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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