I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
