I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
