I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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