DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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