I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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