I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
